Thursday, November 1, 2012

THIS is love. A letter to my first born

Dear Cruze,

As I stood by your father tonight, watching you sleepthrough your monitor, a flood of emotions went through me. Can this really be?All that is good and all that is so right. Can it really be…real? I oftenwonder what I could have ever done to deserve such happiness. To deserve to bein the presence of such great people and live in a love so deep it feels fake.I thought I knew love when I met your father, when we got engaged, married. I thoughtI got it. Maybe so. But what I didn’t know was that my heart was just startingto get a taste of what it really means. Love. Your father often says, “I wishthere was a word stronger to express how I really feel”. It’s true. I guessthat’s because true love just can’t be defined by a word, by a sentence or evena 300 page novel. It’s a feeling so strong it can move mountains. It can makeyou feel so BIG and so small at the same time. You do that to me baby boy.

To think that just a year and a half ago I was dreaming youup, talking to your father about “one day” and “what if?”. Imagining thesensations and emotions of what being a mother would truly feel like. I had noidea. I had no idea what it would meanto look at a tiny person who was all mine and all his and know what it reallymeans to say “I would put my life down for you” or “you make me a better personwith every breath you take, with every laugh, with every cry. With every Mamaor Dada.” You do that to me every second of every day.

I love the way you:

wake up and poke your head up to see me

fake cry every time I lay you down for a diaper change but immediatelyswitch over to laughter because you actually love diaper changes

love your Daddy like crazy

have two smiles. One that looks just like mine and one thatlooks just like Daddy’s

have favorite toys and ones that you couldn’t care lessabout

love your formula and don’t worry, I’m not offended by it

have your daddy’s widows peek

have your Mommy’s eyes

rub your eyes when you’re tired

practically throw yourself out of my arms when Daddy comeshome from work because you are just so excited to see him

play peek-a-boo with any blanket you can get your hands on

started signing the word “milk”

use your feet as a second set of hands to play with and gripyour toys etc.

grunt while you eat

smile with the cutest dimples ever

I love everything about you. A little person. With likes anddislikes. I love that. And with every glance at you I know it has all beenworth it. Every night I cried because I just wanted to be a mother so bad.Every pregnancy pain and stretch mark. Every dollar I am no longer making. Everysleepless night spent checking on you. All of it. Worth it. Without a doubt.

You are my baby and I am your mama forever and ever. Nomatter how much time passes or how tall you grow, that fact will remain thesame to time indefinite.
I love you sweet boy. Never Forget it.

7 comments:

  1. This was beautiful! Your son is so loved.

    ReplyDelete
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