On Courage | pt 2

 

Sakura Bloom Sling Diaries Audition

 

 

To the boy that made me a mother,

 

From the moment I learned I was pregnant with you I knew that we were just meant to be. You rocked my world and introduced me to a love that I didn’t even know existed. Our souls were instantly connected as I fell madly in love with you with each stretch, kick and hiccup. With each passing day I eagerly anticipated the moment you would go from being a tiny person whose heart seemingly beat as one with my own, to a separate life in my arms who would be able to take in the world with his own fresh eyes. No longer shielded from the world by my own body, you would soon learn what it was like to feel emotions – good and bad. From pure bliss to sadness, all of it. As a mama bear this is not something that was easy for me to accept. I remember so vividly, the guilt I felt in my heart as I stared at your newborn face knowing that one day I would no longer be able to protect you. It pained me. It terrified me to my very core. It was at that moment that I realized what it meant to be courageous and strong. Knowing that things may go wrong but letting you live life anyway while slowly letting your grip loosen from my own hand. The ability to surrender my soul to a love so hard that it rattled my entire being, to be vulnerable, to let go when the time comes; that in my opinion, is courage. 

Love,
Your Mama
 

 

 

THIS is love. A letter to my first born

Dear Cruze,

As I stood by your father tonight, watching you sleepthrough your monitor, a flood of emotions went through me. Can this really be?All that is good and all that is so right. Can it really be…real? I oftenwonder what I could have ever done to deserve such happiness. To deserve to bein the presence of such great people and live in a love so deep it feels fake.I thought I knew love when I met your father, when we got engaged, married. I thoughtI got it. Maybe so. But what I didn’t know was that my heart was just startingto get a taste of what it really means. Love. Your father often says, “I wishthere was a word stronger to express how I really feel”. It’s true. I guessthat’s because true love just can’t be defined by a word, by a sentence or evena 300 page novel. It’s a feeling so strong it can move mountains. It can makeyou feel so BIG and so small at the same time. You do that to me baby boy.

To think that just a year and a half ago I was dreaming youup, talking to your father about “one day” and “what if?”. Imagining thesensations and emotions of what being a mother would truly feel like. I had noidea. I had no idea what it would meanto look at a tiny person who was all mine and all his and know what it reallymeans to say “I would put my life down for you” or “you make me a better personwith every breath you take, with every laugh, with every cry. With every Mamaor Dada.” You do that to me every second of every day.

I love the way you:

wake up and poke your head up to see me

fake cry every time I lay you down for a diaper change but immediatelyswitch over to laughter because you actually love diaper changes

love your Daddy like crazy

have two smiles. One that looks just like mine and one thatlooks just like Daddy’s

have favorite toys and ones that you couldn’t care lessabout

love your formula and don’t worry, I’m not offended by it

have your daddy’s widows peek

have your Mommy’s eyes

rub your eyes when you’re tired

practically throw yourself out of my arms when Daddy comeshome from work because you are just so excited to see him

play peek-a-boo with any blanket you can get your hands on

started signing the word “milk”

use your feet as a second set of hands to play with and gripyour toys etc.

grunt while you eat

smile with the cutest dimples ever

I love everything about you. A little person. With likes anddislikes. I love that. And with every glance at you I know it has all beenworth it. Every night I cried because I just wanted to be a mother so bad.Every pregnancy pain and stretch mark. Every dollar I am no longer making. Everysleepless night spent checking on you. All of it. Worth it. Without a doubt.

You are my baby and I am your mama forever and ever. Nomatter how much time passes or how tall you grow, that fact will remain thesame to time indefinite.

I love you sweet boy. Never Forget it.

Letter To Cruze

Dear Sweet Cruze,

Oh baby, where should I start? I cannot believe you will be one month old tomorrow! This month really did fly by. You have grown so much already and I like to think that your daddy and I have grown quite a bit too. We’ve learned a lot this month. We’ve learned how you like to be held, what your little grunts mean and that you absolutely adore your daddy. It melts my heart to see your face light up for him when he starts talking. I’ve waited for that moment for so long. You’ve done so much good for us already. Just when I didn’t think I could love your father any more, you come along and prove me wrong. I fall in love with him every time he holds you and talks to you. Every time he changes your diaper or calls to check up on you. I love him more because of how he loves you. He beams with a pride that is so far beyond words. My heart explodes for you two and I know my love can only grow. You are my little angel. You have us wrapped so tightly around your sweet fingers and we love it. I love being the person you find comfort in. I hope that never changes. I hope you grow up knowing how much we adore you. How much we would give up for you. You are our little prince and we are your parents forever. Thank you for teaching us more fully what true love is.

Love Forever and Ever,

Your Mommy

A Letter To My Little Love

My pregnancy journal gives me spots to write my thoughts throughout this pregnancy. This time it started off this way, My dear Baby, what I'd like to tell you now...

Hi Sweetheart. I want you to know that your father and I wanted you long before you came to be. From our first date we talked about our hopes and dreams for a family. We dreamt about whose nose you would have, whose personality you would take after and if you would grow to love and trust in God the way we do. Life may throw some tough things your way but you can always have complete confidence that we will always have your best interest in mind. We look forward to holding you, kissing you, laughing with you and even disciplining you in a way that will help you to grow into a respectful adult. But most importantly we look forward to loving you and raising you to love yourself, your family and the God of all things good and great.

Never forget that you came from a love that no words can describe. I hope you can look to your father and I as an example of what a loving relationship looks like and accept  nothing less for yourself. You are worth more than you will ever be able to realize. We loved you before you were here and we will love with the fullest of hearts forever.

With all my love,
Your Momma