my life according to our webcam

I know, I know. It's been a long time. Like, a looooong time. As many of you already know (if any of you are still reading this silent space of mine) I started a clothing line. And let me tell you, with two babies and a new business, I have been BUSY. But nonetheless, I don't want this blog to be a thing of the past. This is my space to record our memories in the making. My journal, my photo album, my (one day) walk down memory lane. I want to keep it alive. So I am going to work on that. Not because I think it will ever become a business for me. Not because my writing is just so good that you all benefit from reading. Simply because this is one thing I do for me. My ahhhhh at the end of a long day.

Today I am sharing with all of you (all two of you?) some mostly never before seen photos from my webcam. I've had this laptop for about five years now and throughout that time, I've used my webcam only two handfuls of times. But I think there is some beauty in that. These are tiny glimpses of my life that, in those moments, I felt like I wanted to capture. Some? I'm not so sure why? Others? Oh my heart. Something happens inside my heart when I look at them. So here we go... yo.

That one time right before I headed out the door to cut off all of my looong hair. It's kinda funny how much I started to love my long hair in the minutes before cutting it.

Those six months that we spent living in Bolivia. Specifically, this very day when we learned that we were F I N A L L Y pregnant with baby numero uno. I still remember so clearly how much my legs were shaking when I saw that oh so faint, pink line. Pure bliss.

And then back to the U.S. we went where I continued to bake my tiny bun in my not so tiny oven. This tiny sweater? It was a gift from my dear friend Anna whom I met while living in Bolivia for our miracle baby. It still hangs in his closet. And soon? It'll be worn by baby numero dos. I have TWO kids. TWO! Sometimes I still can't believe it.

Oh you know... a little fun (?) after shooting a pregnancy update video...

LONDYN!!! My sweet niece Londyn at just a few months old. She's three now you guys. How?!

And my brother....

That belly... I can't quite tell what I was thinking in this picture. But I'm pretty sure I was really realllllly tired. no?

More random pics of me while pregnant with Cruze. I think I was attempting to make a pregnancy update video that went terribly wrong.

This little chub. I can't believe that those cheeks are no long so puffy. But it was just like yesterday!Again, how??

I don't even know. But I'm going to be 100% honest here and say that there are like 10 more just like this one. Okay, more like 20.

Oh the joys of having a baby that is so perfectly sleep trained... Every night from 8:30 on was ours. Just us. It felt like we were on a date night in our living room. Every single night. It's crazy how much having a second (non sleep trained) child, a new business and a hubby that is BACK in school has changed things. I'm so glad I have these pics though. It's a good reminder of what we need to get back to.

And since I already mentioned a video that went terribly wrong... my attempt at a makeup tutorial... that went TERRIBLY wrong haha! I blame it on the lighting. And not having a good camera. And who knows what else. It's a fun thing to look back and laugh at.

And somehow there was a HUGE gap that led to this. Me. Preggo. Bedrest. OOF. But cute PJ's right?

Me making a duckface. 

Me drinking tea?

And the thing that led me down this little walk through memory lane.... Me tonight. Playing around with the webcam. Making a duckface. While drinking tea. Some things never change.

A Look Back: 31 Week Belly

I was just looking at an old post and I can't believe this was me!

I love that I have pictures like these to look back on and I'm kind of excited about round two. I'm NOT pregnant or even trying though. I should probably make that clear ;)

NO PHILLIP. I AM 100% PREGNANT! Part 1

Have I ever shared with you the moment my husband and I found out we were pregnant? I don't think so. Well it was about 23 weeks ago. We were still living up our 6 months in Bolivia with only 8 days left to come back home. I had two terribly restless nights. I was plagued with a mixture of anxiety, heartburn and stomach cramps. After so many months of hoping for a positive pregnancy test (even when we weren't trying, we would get our hopes up) I had given up hope to a certain extent. Did I think I would NEVER be able to have children? NO. Did the thought cross my mind? Oh yeah! But for the moment, I gave up on the idea that every weird stomach twitch and headache could be a sign of a child on the way. We actually had JUST made the decision that one of the first things on our agenda after we arrived back in the US of A was to find a fertility specialist. We were going to get good and pregnant one way or the other! I had my most memorable cries around this time. The kind of cries that make you feel like you can't breathe. My husband had started saying, "babe, I think I might be the problem. I'm so sorry if I am". This was all hitting us the last two weeks of our stay in Bolivia. I mean, after all, why couldn't two relatively healthy, young, in love people create a life together? Something had to be wrong. I was hesitant about sharing these feelings with anyone else. Instead, I would pour all of my emotions out onto the posts of my blog. I found comfort in other women's stories of infertility and triumph and hoped to one day be able to share my story of sweet victory. But it still felt so far away.


Back to those two sleepless nights. The first night I was up til 4 am. My stomach hurt too bad to fall asleep. My heart hurt in a way that I hadn't felt before then. And my back.Whoa mama! What on earth was going on? I contributed all of these symptoms to the anxiety of leaving Bolivia - the packing, the flying, the thoughts of seeing my family for the first time in half a year. But I did not think I was pregnant. For almost the first time since we were married, I didn't think to run and take a pregnancy test. I didn't want to hurt myself anymore. By the time the second night rolled around, my cramps intensified, my heartburn had gone from a pain to severe and I didn't sleep a wink. Around 5 in the morning I remember thinking... What if? What if this could be the moment we waited for? It's not (obviously) but what if? By 6:30 my mind was made up. I had never felt this way before. It was different and I couldn't ignore that fact. So I decided that the moment Phillip woke up, I would send him to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy test.

He woke up around 7:30 or so and off I sent him. He didn't get excited, he wasn't annoyed. He just said OK as if I was asking him to pick up some bread from the grocery store. The walk was about 8 minutes each way. I tried to be patient but something in my gut was telling me that this just might be that moment. I started breakfast as I pretended that all was cool and chill in the world. I was just gonna pee on a stick. That's all. It was gonna be negative (obviously) and the day would go on as normal.

When he walked in the door he pulled out a test from the small brown paper bag he was holding and handed it to me. I walked ever so calmly to the bathroom and ya know... Immediately after taking the test I shouted, "I'm not pregnant!". A little back story: that's what I have done since we were first married. As soon as I would take a test I would shout "I'm not pregnant!" so he didn't have a second to get excited and so I could rip the band aid off my wound as quickly as possible. My hand was on its way to the trashcan with the "negative" test in it when something caught my eye. The faintest pink line I ever did see. In fact, it was so faint that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I glanced at it for about 3 seconds (imagine my face!) and with the biggest eyes EVER yelled, "Phillip.... get me the other test. PHILLIP, GET ME THE OTHER TEST!"

To be continued...
Click here for part 2

Side note: I originally posted the whole story but then realized it was REALLY long so I broke it up into two parts. If you're wondering where the rest of the story went, it'll be back up tomorrow or Thursday.

Tonight I'm taking a moment to remember. Remember the times we had in Bolivia and the moments we shared with who have become to us dear friends. I will never forget the lessons we learned, the heartache we felt being so far from home and most importantly, discovering that we held inside of us a strength we didn't know he had.

To laughter, experiences and the moments that took our breath away. To Bolivia, the place we called home for 6 months. Til we meet again...

Things My Mom Told Me Part 1

When I was around 10 years old my mom told me, "A girls reputation is like a glass rose, it needs to be taken care of because once it's broken there's no way to make it perfect again"


Then - 6th Grade Dance (my mom went too!)






Now - 4 months ago                             

                    
While I wholeheartedly believe in second chances (along with 3rd, 4th & 5th chances too) that always stuck with me. I thought about it through the rest of grade school, middle school and on till today. She might not even remember that moment but I have a hard copy imprinted in my mind. I'm thankful for words like that which reminded me to make good decisions as a young girl and hopefully one day, I'll have a little girl who will hold on to those words too.