|Yes, I KNOW he's so worth it.|
After I brought my sweet boy home I quickly got back to eating as clean as possible and started controlling my calories. This caused issues. MAJOR ISSUES with my milk supply. And yes. I was warned. Especially here on my blog. And can I just say thank you to you ladies who took the time to tell me NOT to cut my calories? Did I listen? Not so much. My insecurities took over and I regretted it the moment I had to hear my son scream out of hunger while I sat there holding him with tears in my eyes and a very broken heart. After that first little incidence and a little pep talk from my ob/gyn I realized I needed more calories. My doctor even insisted that I would start losing weight once I increased my calories. But guess what? I haven't. Nothing works. NOTHING. And it hurts so bad. My milk is hit and miss and as some of you may already know, we decided to make the switch to formula. Since then we've made some improvement and I have been able to stick with breastfeeding other than a couple times of having to give formula because I just didn't have any milk to give.
I have a question. Why is it that I am one of the healthiest eaters I know, am doing my best to breastfeed and stay active and yet I STILL CANNOT LOSE WEIGHT? It hurts. It hurts to look in the mirror every single day and see what I have become. My health hit an all time low a month ago and although we are making some improvement (thanks to juicing, supplements and amazing meal) and getting answers, I'm still not where I should be. It even got to the point where I couldn't care for my own baby.I COULDN'T EVEN HOLD HIM! Did I mention how broken I feel? I did. But now do you get it?
The reason for me telling you this? Because I have HAD IT. I am so over seeing the scale go down 2 pounds just to see it go right back up the next day. I have been the same weight since my son was 9 days old. He's 18 weeks now. You do the math. I'm also tired of playing this game with my milk supply. I have found a few things to be helpful (again, amazing meal) but it really shouldn't be this hard.
I don't really know what the point of this post is. I guess I just need to say how I feel without having to look someone else in the face. My husband. He's been amazing and I don't even understand how he can still look at me with so much love in his eyes but he does. BUT I need to vent without being told every other word that everything is fine. BECAUSE IT'S NOT. THIS is not okay.
Well that's all for now. Sorry for being such a downer. I hope everyone had a a great weekend. We sure did and I'll try to get pics of Cruze's first beach trip up on this blog soon.